As an amateur anthropologist, I do my best to spend an adequate time studying a group you all care about and love dearly, the whites. It is widely known that white men are the most oppressed group of people on the planet; therefore having written extensively about the kinds of white men before, I’ve taken it upon myself to categorize this proud race and gender into a further 6 categories.
And they are…
Guys who own more than 0 products from Supreme
The correct amount of supreme products to own is 0. Amazingly enough, there is a kind of white man who owns well over the acceptable number of 0 supreme products. Allow me to introduce you to Christian. As a child, you could find Christian in Call of Duty lobbies repeatedly using the N-word over voice chat, and telling men much larger and older than him to “say that to my face mother fucker.”
Now that Christian has grown up, he continues to repeatedly use the N-word over voice chat in Call of Duty lobbies, but now he also considers himself a “hypebeast.” He has gone from drinking monster energy, wearing Fox Brand clothing and having Subs in his pick up truck, to being decked out in Supreme products using the money he earned working at a vape shop. Christian lives for the 4 B’s — Babes, Being obnoxious, Dancing to EDM or other terrible obnoxious music, and Being Drunk and or on MDMA on a Tuesday afternoon. Christian has a large Supreme sticker on his lap top, and “models” on the side for a local photographer in Fall River, Massachusetts.
Notable Guys who own more than 0 products from Supreme: Anyone whose favorite rapper is Drake, People who like EDM, People who own a longboard
Libertarian
This is the most harmless yet second most annoying kind of white man. When he talks, most of America is with him half of the way until he starts to say things like “being required to have a driver’s licenses in order to drive a car is an act of oppression worse than the actions of Nazi Germany.” Okay Robert. Robert has been a fierce Libertarian since birth. He came out of the womb already wearing a fedora and in a suit, with several long reddit rants ready to copy and paste, even before reddit was invented, Robert was ready for his destiny. In Robert’s mind, anything the government does is tyranny. Fire departments? STOP TAKING AWAY MY RIGHTS! Sanitation codes? THAT WAS THE FIRST THING MAO DID! Government health care? IT IS MY GOD GIVEN RIGHT TO NOT BE ABLE TO AFFORD MEDICAL TREATMENT!
Robert feels safest at home online posting Libertarian arguments on as many platforms as he can. Reddit, 4chan, meetblackpeople.com, you name it! Robert’s (who wore a suit everyday to high school) entire identity is based on him being a Libertarian. He is always ready for a debate no matter how sensitive or contentious the issues or locations are, including funerals and dates. Robert won’t rest until weed is legalized (that’s a redeeming quality about the Libertarian), Taxes are illegal, and when he can legally obtain a tank to use for “hunting.”
Notable Libertarians: Anyone who is in a right wing group that walks around protests with AR15s, Anyone who wears a fedora, virgins (all of them), About half of the atheist community, Ron Paul.
Redneck
IT’S TIME TO RAISE HELL AND PRAISE DALE IN THIS FUCKING ARTICLE! HELL YEAH BABY ROLL TIDE! AIN’T NO SCIENCE GONNA CONVINCE ME THAT EVOLUTION AIN’T A LIBERAL HOAX! CAN’T BELIEVE I LIVE IN A SOCIALIST COUNTRY WHERE METH IS ILLEGAL! THAT SHIT IS TYRANNY (the redneck just learned what this word meant yesterday, and often uses it incorrectly)!
These are the sentiments held by Joe, who is a proud self-identifying redneck. Hailing from 80% of all places in the United States, Joe is as American as it gets. His wife is a literal Confederate Flag, he enjoys NASCAR, and when NFL players protest the national anthem by taking a knee, it makes Joe’s blood boil hotter than the earth’s rising temperatures due to climate change, which Joe doesn’t believe in. Joe speaks with a heavy country accent, has a wardrobe made up of cameo and tank tops, hates the government yet is a fierce Republican, and only drinks beer out of “safety” because the government “puts magnesium in the water supply to control our minds.” All of Joe’s tinder profile pictures are of him holding a fish.
Notable Rednecks: Anyone born south of the Mason-Dixon Line, Anyone who has watched more than 5 minutes of NASCAR, Anyone who is drunk right now on a Tuesday and reading this, George W. Bush
Average White Guy
This is the most obnoxious kind of white guy. He doesn’t do anything overtly offensive per se, but my god is this man the most punchable person on the planet. It is extremely difficult to find a less interesting person in the world. Allow me to to introduce you to Tyler. Tyler always has a smile on his face, albeit it’s seldom sincere. He hardly follows current events because they are “divisive,” and supported Hillary Clinton for president. He has few convictions that he holds dear and even the Redneck has more self-awareness than Tyler.
When confronted on supporting Pete Buttigieg for president by Bernie supporters, he replies with “it’s great we have so many great candidates :).” Tyler also walks around his neighborhood with a “women for Biden” button. There is no big picture too massive for Tyler to miss; believe me, he will miss it. Tyler attends church still without ever questioning the bible, or questioning anything for that matter. He is content and happy with averageness and ignorance. Although to be fair, he does try his best sometimes, for example, Tyler does in fact support the Black Lives Matter movement, despite not having any black friends. This is the only kind of white man where the classic white woman phrase of “live, laugh, love” is applicable. Tyler’s entire personality is that he doesn’t even have a personalty, which is a beautiful oxymoron that has allowed Tyler to maintain a near-envious amount of happiness. Power to you Tyler, maybe one day you’ll gain some character traits if you keep trying hard enough!
Notable Average White Guys: Anyone who voted for Hilary Clinton in the primaries, Pete Buttigieg supporters, Men who consistently post selfies in the same position
Men Who own Trench Coats
Kevin, who most likely is also wearing a fedora, has entered the building, causing a steady amount of discomfort in the facility. Unless you are a private investigator from the 1950s or an insurance-salesman-con-artist, there is never an acceptable time to wear a trench coat. Kevin has, however, yet to get that message. He walks around confidently with his unwashed hair and unkept beard ready to make any scenario or woman uncomfortable.
Kevin is harmless deep down, but certainly can find a way to kill a mood or make things creepy. He is out of shape and people that know Kevin always question his online activity for numerous reasons. I’ll leave why up to your imagination, but whatever you answered, you are correct. It is exactly that. Kevin has never had a girlfriend, and unironically calls women “my fair maiden.” He constantly goes on Facebook to ramble about how girls only go for jerks and not nice guys like him. Kevin also fiercely believes, despite having no formal training or doing any sort of exercise, that he could beat up 110% of the men he sees when he leaves his house. Kevin also only dates Asian women.
Notable Men Who own Trench Coats: Anyone who has an anime character as their Facebook profile picture, Anyone who didn’t take a shower today, Anyone who walks around with a katana in public.
Men Who have American Flags or Other Similar Imagery as their Facebook Profile Picture
You are scrolling down your Facebook and out of boredom or masochism, you click on the comment section of NPR or the New York Times. The article is related to climate change, and the first two most reacted to comments seem normal. But then we get to the comments of a man named Brad. Brad’s profile picture is either some absurd American flag drawing, a support the police picture, or the same 8 pictures of him with his goatee, sunglasses, beer gut, and greying hair. Brad’s comment starts out with a somewhat racist comment about NFL players kneeling during the national anthem, followed by the phrase “what about black on black crime” included in some way, and concluded with a plethora of people being called a “snowflake,” ranging from your mom, yourself, the “liberal” scientist, World War II veterans, and oddly enough — Pope Francis.
Brad “backs the blue” no matter what police due, and gave money to Derek Chauvin’s defense fund before it got taken down on GoFundMe. Brad is an ardent bootlicker, and has never left whatever suburb he is from, except for an exotic trip to Cincinnati, Ohio with his family. All information that Brad consumes either comes from Tucker Carlson or FreedomPatriotEagle.com. He married his high school girlfriend, and possibly has a DUI or 5.
This kind of man is really just a combination of Guy with Dark Sunglasses on who Makes Pro Trump Videos in his Car, Rednecks, and Libertarians.
Notable Men Who have American Flags or Other Similar Imagery as their Facebook Profile Picture: Anyone in a militia, Your uncle who “refuses to watch football this year because of players protesting police brutality and racism” yet continues to watch the NFL, Fox News TV Show Hosts, Anyone who says “All Lives Matter.”
