In a recent study conducted by Trump’s CDC, new data has shown that smoking makes you really fucking cool. The CDC now recommends that in order to be really fucking cool, you should take up smoking. After studying the effects of smoking on “dudes outside of bars catching a quick dart” and 14 year olds smoking in the boy’s bathroom at school, it has been shown that 9 out of 10 individuals who smoke are incredibly fucking cool. People on the street actively stopped to observe “dudes outside of bars on the street catching a quick dart” to admire how cool they were on average more so than any other demographic, including celebrities, guys doing wheelies on their bicycle, and guys who wear their hat backwards. This was even more so true if the individual smoking was wearing a black leather jacket and sun glasses.
As far as 14 year olds smoking in the boy’s bathroom at school, on average 110% of them claimed that they had already lost their virginity, and a further 70% of them claimed that they had lost their virginity to my mom. Now that’s really fucking cool! The CDC advocates that if you want your child to be really fucking cool, you should encourage your children between the ages of 4 and 17 to cut classes and smoke in the boy’s restroom, unless they want to be a nerd. Camel cigarettes has already made a “donation” to Sesame Street in an attempt to encourage more characters on the show to smoke in order to foster an atmosphere of coolness, not giving a fuck, hanging 10, and straight chilling for children in their most impressionable years.
This is great news for the tobacco industry as a whole, as big tobacco is hurrying to get their products in the hands of people who desperately need to be cool the most, including total fucking nerds, anyone currently getting a wedgie right now, and people who unknowingly have toilet paper stuck to the bottom of their foot. Legislation is already underway in congress to reform the D.A.R.E. program in order to have active duty police officers travel around schools to encourage school children to take up smoking so they don’t wind up never losing their virginity. So far in trials, police have only shot on average 3 kids per school they have visited and smoking amongst teenagers is up 200%. It seems that the reformed D.A.R.E. program in its trail stages has been a success, and America’s youth are on track to being really fucking cool.
