Last week’s debate between Donald Trump and Joe Biden was a disaster to say the least. Many Americans now ask themselves, “Is this really the best we can do?” And once again, I, Senator Bernard Sanders, would like to remind the American people that you coulda had a bad bitch but y’all were playin’.
I was just trying to help you fuckers. I’ve been saying the same shit since I was elected mayor of Burlington in 1981. Gay rights in the military? Remember when I blasted representative and Legion of Doom reject, Duke Cunningham, for trying to prevent “homos [from joining] the military” in 1995. Yeah that was some bad ass shit I was doing. Remember how I not only attended the March on Washington in 1963, but also got arrested in mother fucking Englewood, yes that’s right, Englewood, for protesting segregation in Chicago’s schools the same year. I got fined $25 for that shit, and in those days $25 could get you a bump of that white and an ounce of that loud. Speaking of Satan’s garlic, Daddy Bernie was tryna’ legalize weed for you fuckers, too! But y’all were playing and still said no to me.
For you liberal nuts, I would have finally officially declared a war on Christmas. That’s right, I was gonna go to congress and ask those fuckers to officially declare war on Christmas! How is it that 1% of people are getting 99% of the presents!? That is a rigged Christmas system, and Bernie Badazz was out there tryna’ bring some Christmas cheer to the holliest and jolliest nation in the history of the planet! Speaking of my nickname, Bernie Badazz — yes Boosie Badazz, aka Lil Boosie, did get his rapper name from me, and I in fact, directed the music video for “We Out Chea” by Lil Boosie.
One of my biggest goals was to raise the federal minimum wage for you fuckers from $7.25 an hour to $15 an hour. Do you know how much more legal weed you could have bought with that? Assuming you are going through an 8th of weed a week and the street value for an 8th is 40 bucks from your boy Javier, you could easily up that to an ounce a week! Once again, how y’all gonna do me like that by choosing Joe fucking Biden over the Bernster?
I am a man of the people! 84% of you degenerates want marijuana to be legal. 56% of you shit heads want universal healthcare. I was literally out there doing the Bernie for you guys trying to “Weekend at Bernie’s” the United States into being a healthy democracy. But y’all were playin’ and went with Hillary “Get Pushed out a Window” Clinton over me the first time and now y’all are going with “Diamond” Joe fucking Biden over me. What the fuck is wrong with you all? Mind you, a large portion of Americans think that Hillary Clinton personally planned and carried out the attack on our embassy in Benghazi, and the Democratic Party still wanted to go with fucking Hillary “Pokémon go to the polls” Clinton. Nice call there, dip shits! Ol’ Papa Bernie is a man of the people. When I was mayor of Burlington, I even interviewed fucking mall goths for fuck’s sake! What more did you fuckers want from Ol’ Daddy Bern Bern?
Civil unrest is at an all time high, the western part of the country is on fire, and there is a pandemic that has brought America to its knees and y’all gotta turn to Joe fucking Biden or Donald God Damn Trump to fix this shit. What the fuck is wrong with you all!? It’s too late for you to come crying to daddy long dick, Bernie Sanders. I’ve had it with you fuckers. Enjoy the civil war, I’m defecting to North Korea.
Bern-man out!
