5 Ways (and One Shark Themed Way) to Improve the Presidential Debates in 2024
The presidential debates between Joe Biden and Donald Trump were to say the very least, a shit show full of interruptions, namely by Trump, and time that was only wasted. Clearly the current format created by men in their 80s is not working, and the 2024 presidential debates must undergo a radical change in format. So, here are 5 ways (and one shark themed way) to improve the next presidential debate.
- Hang the Presidential Candidates Over a Tank of Sharks and Every Time They Interrupt Each Other they Get Lowered Closer into the Shark Tank
Let’s get right into the shark themed way. I’m sure this has been tried in somewhere like Uzbekistan, where the opponent of the incumbent just gets lowered into a shark tank anyways, even if he doesn’t interrupt and remains civil. America can learn a lot from the world, and why not Uzbekistan. You never hear about unruly or embarrassing debates out of that country, so why not use the Shaukat Mirziyoyev (who is apparently their prime minister[?]…Do you call the head of state in Uzbekistan prime minister?), method of hanging your political opponents above a shark tank during debates, except instead of just one party, it would be both parties! Thanks Uzbekistan, a true friend and pal to the United States forever and always!
2) Rap Battle
This is the obvious choice. With slogans like “I’m Ridin’ with Biden” and “Make America More Better Again [sic]” (this is how the Trump campaign wanted me to write Donald Trump’s slogan), there are already some great potential lyrics and ill disses to be spit, even from white men in their 70s! Imagine younger or more “urban” (you know what I’m mean but I’m white, so…) candidates on the debate stage. Surely they have listened to some Percy P or Bone Thugs N’ Harmony in their day. Imagine the sick bars candidates in the future will spit. “You’re policies is sus. We gonna vote you out like Among Us. American people is this who you trust? Your campaign be overthrowin’ like Mitch Trubisky, call it a big bust!”
Surely a rap battle would be more civil than the Trump/Biden debates, even if the candidates go after the weight of each other’s mothers.
3) 1 v 1 Fox only. Final Destination. No items.
This is something both gamers and the general American populace can enjoy. Many arguments have been settled on the Super Smash Brothers Melee stage, Final Destination, and many quarrels have also begun from this unforgiving virtual place. Certainly if we want things to be taken seriously, we must strictly implement a Fox only rule, and wave dashing should not be allowed. Naturally, we will use 4 stock with no items, making this the ultimate test of skill and precision. I don’t know about you, but I don’t want my nation’s leaders to lose in Super Smash Brothers Melee when it’s Final Destination Fox only no items. No talking even needs to be done! Just a lot of “up B” and “C stick” action!
4) Drop Them in a Pit of Snakes — No Speaking; Candidates are Able to Select One Melee Weapon and Last One Left Alive Wins the Debate
Ah yes, the classic “Drop Them in a Pit of Snakes — No Speaking; Candidates are Able to Select One Melee Weapon and Last One Left Alive Wins the Debate” form of debate. Some say this age-old tradition has its roots in ancient Athens, and that this is actually how Greek democracy worked. Wherever it came from, we can all agree that this is an effective method to help us decide on a president. Naturally, we should give the candidates a suitable time to study hand to hand combat and how to efficiently use whatever melee weapon they so chose. It’s only fair in a civilized developed country that we do this. The snakes should, of course, be venomous, and if possible, ill-tempered. We can even get legendary wrestler Jake the Snake to provide the snakes, and give commentary like it’s a WWE event!
5) Act like Fucking Gentlemen and or Gentlewomen for Fucking Once
This one is the most unrealistic of the 5 options, but it never hurts to be wishful in your thinking! If we could get candidates from both parties to debate like civil fucking gentlemen or gentlewomen for fucking once in a debate consisting of relevant topics and issues in which the candidates strictly stick to discussing such matters, then that is a total win for American democracy! We should get some respected journalist to moderate this debate, and have that journalist hold the candidates accountable as well as be sure to keep the discussion on-topic. Can you imagine if we did this? This would certainly give the American people the best chance to understand where each candidate stands on the issues, next to maybe the “Drop Them in a Pit of Snakes — No Speaking; Candidates are Able to Select One Melee Weapon and Last One Left Alive Wins the Debate” form of debate.
